I am a confessed Luddite, but that's not synonymous with idiot. I decided to go wireless.

I did my research, even knew ahead of time that the Verizon DSL modem/router needed to be bridged before setting up a new router. I bypassed a sale for a cheap wireless router because I read reviews about Linksys and their phenomenal service, and decided that I'd plop down a case's worth of beer money for peace of mind.

I went for Linksys' sleek WRT160N.

Staples had a coupon if I bought it online, so I ordered it, had it sent to the local Staples, and a day later it was ready for pick-up. On the way to the store, the heavens opened up, and the Staples entrance was impassable--3 feet of water, no challenge for Noah, but a bit much for my Civic. That was clue number one.

I had read that versions 1 and 3 were fine, but that V2 was a disaster. I opened the box. V2. Like the rocket. (The Nazi V-2 rocket killed over 27,000 people--about 20,000 of the victims were prisoners who were forced to build the rockets.) Clue number two.

Here's where it gets bad--I found wonderful instructions on-line on how to bridge the Westell 6100 to make it a dumb modem, how to configure the router via the website 192.168.1.1, how to secure the system. Then I met Lela.

Lela is my personal technology expert, provided free by Linksys, and despite being a bit cyanotic, she's kind of hot. And I am a sucker for free. And so, against every fiber of common sense in my body, and because it was 2:30 AM, I slid Lela into the CD, and waited for her to purr.

She commands me to slide this cable there, this one here--doesn't seem quite right, but I am smitten by Lela, who looks like Lady Plavalaguna, the alien diva in Fifth Element.

Everything was just groovy until something, or rather nothing, happened. Frozen. I reboot. Still frozen. I click on other icons.

Uh-oh.

Leslie, the love of my life, is a writer, and a very good one. She just finished a novel, nestled in the bowels of this now-frozen machine.

I call tech support. "Earl" assures me I can just delete Lela; I tell him I cannot. After a bit of safe mode action and a few reboots, Earl tells me he need to talk to his supervisor. Seems Earl cannot delete it either.

Earl gets back on after an uncomfortable pause--"You'll get a call from Linksys in 24 to 48 hours." Um, does that mean we're done? "You will get a call from Linksys....You will get a call from Linksys." I am still waiting for that call....

I've been married a long time, but even a solid marriage might not survive losing 2 year's worth of writing. In a moment of logical, I zoom the computer settings back in time, to a time before I fell to Lela's siren call. I put the cables in order--modem->router->PC.

I figure I'd log on for technical assistance to set my security. Here's a snippet:

Michael Doyle: Should I go ahead and reload LELA? [08:49:38 AM]
Michael Doyle: And should I upgrade the firmware [08:49:47 AM]
Michael Doyle: poke [08:50:47 AM]

After a bit of back and forth, we get to here:

Jhoneil (22042): Your concern here is you want to secure your wireless network, correct? [08:57:31 AM]
Michael Doyle: So I thought maybe I'd just reload LELA, forget about the third party security [08:56:33 AM]
Michael Doyle: Yes, I want to secure it-- [08:56:39 AM]
Michael Doyle: If I can do that without LELA, that would be fine [08:56:51 AM]
Michael Doyle: (My bigger concern was not getting divorced when my wife realizes I fubared her puter) [08:57:33 AM]
Jhoneil (22042): Okay. I can help you secure your network manually. If that's what you want. [08:58:58 AM]
Michael Doyle: Great! [08:58:03 AM]

Yes, Jhoneil, that is what I want!

Jhoneil (22042): Both wireless computers are online wirelessly to the router right now? [08:59:33 AM]
Michael Doyle: THe pc is hardwired to port 1 of the router, the laptop is wireless [08:58:47 AM]
Jhoneil (22042): Great! [09:00:03 AM]
Jhoneil (22042): But I'm sure you are chatting on the hardwired computer. [09:00:19 AM]
Jhoneil (22042): So, there is no need to worry. [09:00:24 AM]
Michael Doyle: I am chatting on the wireless [08:59:23 AM]

So I guess there is a need to worry after all.
We spent the next dozen minutes trying to get the laptop hardwired to the internet. It did not end well:

Jhoneil (22042): Did you connect the cable firmly at the back of your laptop going to the router? [09:13:57 AM]
'Michael Doyle' disconnected ('Concluded by End-user'). [09:13:09 AM]

I've given up on Lela, I've given up on Linksys tech support calling me back this decade, but I've not given up on the internet. I found a wonderful site with simple, cogent directions, and here I am, playing on-line via a wireless, and perhaps secure, line.

The lessons?

Avoid cyanotic purring technical experts.
Avoid using bots when you have a clue what you're doing.
Don't start playing with new tech toys at 2:30 AM
And don't expect LELA to return your calls.